Archive for June, 2011

With dignity.  With most (if not all) my senses in working condition.  When my body has turned against me and refuses to comply with my wishes, and the only things I have left are my desires, I would like to call it a day.

Dying with dignity (aka euthanasia)  has always been in the news, recently due to Gloria Taylor, and prior to that when I watched the movie Guzaarish.   And it always make me pause and review my own feelings on the issue.

Im not interested in the legalities surrounding this issue, neither all the negative implications of mercenary relatives taking advantage of this as a ways out of having to deal with ailing family members.  Im not interested in exploring any aspect of euthanasia apart from the one pertaining to a person, deciding, while sane and in complete possession of his mental faculties, to end his life.   He should be allowed to- no questions asked.

To live day to day, staring at a TV or a blank wall, or the scene unfolding outside a hospital window while taking no part in it;

To have someone clean up after you’ve had bowel movements or your bladder has emptied itself into something akin to a diaper on a baby;

To be spoonfed and have the dribble on your chin wiped by someone else, to be physically turned infrequently to avoid bed sores;

To be bathed and dressed by hands other than yourself;

To have no mental stimulation other than someone reading to you, or taking the time to talk to you;

These are things that are acceptable for babies who have yet to gain independence; they strip the dignity of a human who has lived with independence and then has to be put through it.

I remember both my grandmothers always saying, and praying, that they’d die before  becoming burdens on anyone- while still being physically able rather than being ill on a bed and having someone take care of them.  Because that is what you are made to feel like – a burden.  And so you spend your last few days on earth feeling like an abject loser and burden on people.  No thanks.  I’d rather close my eyes to this life and begin the next chapter somewhere better than live another day like that.

I’d like to die with dignity.


Read Full Post »

Nic and I are renters.  We have been since 2009 during a twist of fate.  And like being home owners, it has its shares of ups and downs.  However, we’ve had a miserable 2 years of it since our first rental ended after a year, not because of problems but because our landlord wanted the unit back for himself to live in- well, what can you do?  We loved the building, we loved our apartment, we loved the area.

In 2010, we moved out of that area and into a house, again, renting with an individual.  I will always maintain of this house that when it comes to showing it and signing the papers they send in the good, diplomatic and emphatic cop.  When the papers are done, and you’ve moved in and realise that everything is falling apart, they send in the tight fisted wretch with no personality who actually owns the place!

We fell in love with this house when we moved in.  We were going to live here for atleast 5 – 6 years, hell, we were going to plant a fruit tree in the backyard- we were that invested in staying here for a good term.

Then the stove stopped working. We realized the door to the backyard wasnt actually locking.  And the window upstairs had a huge crack in it.

The basement renters moved out since she and her kids couldnt take the mold anymore.

Then the cockroaches came out the cracks and the dryer breathed her last breath.


Then  our wonderful landlord came to tell us that since she was getting married and needed all the money she could get and since her basement wasnt getting rented she was going to increase our rent.

We told her to kiss ass.

Then she told us our heating bill was outrageous and we would have to pay extra.  We told her to fix the broken window as we werent going to throw OUR money out that window.  She refused.

We told her to kiss ass.

She did not fix the dryer from January to April, leaving us with 2 kids under 5 and a whole bunch of wet and damp clothing.  I hope she enjoyed her warm and dry sweaters and flannel.

We were blessedly free of her toxic presence for a bit till  when we realised that the A/C wasnt working.  It wasnt her responsibility to fix it and she let us know it.

At the end of May the plumbing in the kitchen went kaput.  We got a plumber to take a look at it who told us it was a deeper problem than just a clog.  Our dear landlord refused to pay to have it fix.  We had a heated conversation wherein we both decided to terminate the lease.  Atlast.

We have since found another place, and this time we are going with a rental agency.  No more being at the mercy of people who have the power to influence our living situation to this extent.  We are tired and done and cant wait to move out.

And here starts the packing phase.

Read Full Post »

It is way too hot,

I have way too much packing to do,

it is so freaking difficult to cook without a working kitchen sink –

all reasons  why I am unable to  post a complete blogpost.  There is just too much on my mind.  But this is a small list on things that have left me speechless this week:

– JM breaking the towel bar because he was trying to do pull ups on it.

– JM refusing to kiss and hug his great-nana because she’s too ‘sprinkly’ which Im assuming translates to wrinkly.

– Aria trying to run after taking 1 step on her own.  Rush, much?

– Aria continuing to terrorize JM, who is slowly learning to stand up for himself.

– How good Nic looks after having lost a little weight, I cant wait for him to hit his goal weight!

– Why Nic can’t understand why I dont understand why people cry at weddings.  I just dont get it, and he doesnt get why its such an unsentimental occasion for me.

– My landlord sleeping well at night knowing that the pipes in my kitchen are burst and not doing anything about it (its been a month now!)

And lastly;

My sister devoting ungodly amounts of time to create and maintain a blog dedicated solely to Sweet Valley High.




Read Full Post »

Moving Tantrum #1

Ugh @ the weather, especially with no A/C.

Ugh@ having to pack, yet again.

Ugh@ having to cook, especially with a non-working sink.

Ugh@ having to do laundry today, with a dryer that does not work.

Ugh@ landlords who have no sense of responsibility.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Read Full Post »

No lights, no sounds – rock on

When we knew we were going to be driving from Toronto to Maryland, and not taking the bus as previously decided upon- we were petrified.  Driving 10 hours with 2 kids is not a joke and should not be treated as such, it should be approached with the care and precision as rocket science, in my opinion.

Given the heat, the road works, the distance, the boredom and the consistent, “are we there yet?” made us quickly change our plans from leaving at 7am in the morning to leaving at 10pm the previous night.  We took the kids to McD’s, made JM play and play some more, we gave them dinner and made them play some more while we packed.  We tidied the house and packed the car while they played some more.

Finally at 9:30pm we gave them baths and packed them into their car seats.  Before we left the driveway Aria was asleep.  JM was up a bit more after that as he worries about the dark and driving at night.  He dozed off finally at 1am.   And it was relatively smooth sailing from there on.  There was not a peep from the kids, the only lights on the roads were from our little cocoon and other cars we passed on the road, we had soft conversations, we exchanged drivers seats, we gassed up, we snacked, we drove.

I enjoyed the night drive.   We breezed past downtown core areas.  We sailed on single lane’s where roads were closed due to construction.  We slowed down on confusing roads to read signs.  It was so unstressful and calm as opposed to driving during the day with traffic and kids and whatnot.

The kids both got up at 6am.  We stopped for a break and food.  We let Aria walk about and let JM run around in the parking lot.  We tried exhausting them but after a night of fitful sleep- that was relatively difficult to do.  We got back on the road at 7am with about an hour of driving left, and I can honestly say that was the hardest part of the drive.  The crying, the throwing of toys, the complaining, the fighting …

Thankfully we were at our destination by 8am and everyone was thankful to be out of the car.

Read Full Post »

3.5 hours from vacation time

What does it feel when things dont go your way?

I cant honestly say I would know, because for the most part, things do go my way- but there are times, there are time, man are there times- when they dont!

My vacation [just a trip to visit family, but something that promises to be fun] starts in exactly 3.5 hours.  At 5pm we’re going to stop dealing with all the issues we have on the table and just be in vacation mode.

So no more worrying about our blessed landlord who is giving us grief. [again]

No more worrying about our apartment application and all the myriad of paperwork we have to complete for it. [how about I trade in my first born, can we call it even then?]

No more worrying about other countless side dishes of worry that are fighting for space on our plates.

We are on vacation, woo hoo!

Read Full Post »

Roots, what roots?

From 2009 to date, we have been unintentional nomads.  For whatever twist of fate, circumstance, happenstance and whatever stance you can name- we have had to pack, tape, uhaul, unhaul, untape, unpack and settle down pretty much every 8 months.  And it is nightmarish.

It would have been difficult to do it just by ourselves, Nic and me.  It was twice as hard doing it with JM.  It is unbearably unsuitable to do it with JM and an 11 month old who wont leave my side.

All, we’ve ever wanted [apart from a ton of wealth and international recognition] is to just settle down and get comfortable.  You know- put up the same decorations in the same place for Christmas from one year to the next.   And this is the one thing that is evading us- permanence.

And everytime I have to pack up, I try to pack a little less.  I try to cut out the things we dont need or want, so our move is less stressful and over quicker.  I give away clothes, books, magazines, craft supplies that I dont necessarily dont want, just dont want to pack and move and unpack and pack and move.

But I end up giving up a large part of us as well in the bargain.  We are what we read, we are what we watch, we are our uncompleted projects, we are our clutter- which we throw away with every move.

I dont keep my kid’s school projects, I dont keep the baby clothes, I dont keep the recipes I will one day [probably never] make.  I dont keep any of the past.  And I miss it terribly.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »